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Accountability

Pursuing Vital Relationships

Part 1 and Part 2
Art Debernarde
Riverview Evangelical Free Church
October 2006

Part 1

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." -- Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 [NIV]

It occurs to me that as we keep emphasizing accountability and vital relationships with other men, we need to provide some information and assistance for those who are interested. I am convinced that many men are not in an accountability relationship, either because they don't understand what it is, or because they don't know how to get started. Hopefully, as you read on, you will be better equipped to begin, maintain and ultimately benefit from having vital relationships with a few other men.

What Is Accountability?

"Face to face, brother to brother. . .Face to face, one friend to another..." Does that sound familiar? "Man to man, shoulder to shoulder....Man to man, serving each other..." If you went to Promise Keepers in the early days you'll probably recognize these words. "Brother to Brother we'll strengthen each other... Working together, we're building the Kingdom of God." It gives me goose bumps just typing the words! This could easily be called "The Accountability Song," because it really hits on some key points of accountability:

Let me talk about what accountability is not: It is not guys getting together and talking about how often they have sex with their wives. It is not guys sitting around naked beating drums. It is not guys getting in touch with their "inner child." It is not simply another support group or Bible Study. It is not wimps getting together and whining about how unfair life is. It is not men sitting around bashing women.

Accountability is. . .

A few men getting together to share their lives. (I think two to four is an ideal number.) Guys getting to know each other beyond the casual and superficial; beyond "sports and the weather." Brothers allowing themselves to be challenged, and held to a higher standard than the world would dictate. Men being honest with each other about their struggles and shortfalls. Guys praying together, and for each other.

Brothers growing together toward Christlikeness, reaching their full potential as men of God.

And all of this takes place in an atmosphere of love and acceptance, without judgment. "How good and pleasant it is, when brothers live together in unity!" (Psalms 133:1)

The Bible tells us to:

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. You are, in fact already accountable to many people: your family, your employer, your friends and so on. But those relationships differ from the "vital relationships" we're talking about here. Typically, accountability is automatic, or "part of the job." The difference with "vital relationship" accountability is that it would not normally occur, or even be expected to occur. It is voluntary and intentional: not because I have to, but because I want to. It is specifically for the purpose of growing as a Christian, and dealing with the struggles and shortfalls in our lives. "Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?" (Amos 3:3)

Why Accountability?

A common question men ask is, "Why?" Being the independent creatures we are, the idea of "needing" other men in our lives does not sit too well with us. You know the real reason the nation of Israel wandered in the desert for forty years? Because, even then, men refused to stop and ask for directions! Guys do not want to rely on anyone else for anything.

A couple of factors that keep men from developing close relationships are pride and fear. Do you ever have trouble admitting when you've made a mistake, or that you're wrong? I do. When we get into "vital" relationships with other men, it will ultimately require us to be vulnerable and transparent, and to admit that we have faults and problems. And that can be quite uncomfortable for most men. "I don't need anybody else!" Sound familiar? I spent most of my life believing that. But time after time, the Bible shows that "It is not good for the man to be alone." (Genesis 2:18) I do not believe God was simply referring to a man's need for a wife. I believe He was stating our need for each other in general.

The Bible is filled with examples of vital relationships among the great men of God. Moses had Aaron. David had Jonathan. "And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself." (1 Samuel 18:3) David said "I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother; you were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women." (2 Samuel 1:26) Paul had Silas, Timothy and Titus, to name a few. In fact, once Paul was led by God to witness at Troas, but he did not, because he would not go there alone: "I still had no peace of mind, because I did not find my brother Titus there." (2 Cor. 2:12) Jesus had the twelve, and an even closer relationship with Peter, James and John.

Do you see that all of the men God used to do great things had vital relationships with other men? They recognized the need for each other. They did not try to go it alone. Even Jesus, who was God, recognized the importance of vital relationships.

One of the great benefits of accountability is that you will look at your life more closely than ever before. It will raise your awareness of things that, before, you didn't think twice about. Eventually, your actions and behavior will change, as you share your struggles with other men, and pray about them together. You will often be relieved to discover you are not the only one who struggles in a certain area, and together you can learn to overcome it. This is where "iron sharpens iron."

Part 2

How Do I Find An Accountability Partner?

Begin by praying that God will reveal to you a guy or a few guys with whom you can explore the possibility of an accountability relationship. Start with the men in your small group or any ministry you may be involved in. (If you are not in a small group, get in one!) The Men's Breakfasts, for instance, are an excellent place to get to know some of the men of the church.

A good accountability partner candidate is:

Dear brothers, I cannot say enough about the importance and benefits of developing vital relationships with a few other men. I can tell you this: once you try it, you will wonder why you waited so long to get started, and your life will never be the same. You will not regret it!

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the day approaching." Hebrews 10:25

"Okay. I've found a guy, or a couple of guys, that have (reluctantly) agreed to try this accountability thing. What do we do now?"

Let me remind you, right off the bat, that accountability does not just happen. And it may not come quickly or easily. It takes time, often a long time, to develop the relationship necessary for meaningful accountability. You may want to phase it in as you build the trust, and as you get comfortable opening up to each other. For instance, you may start by being accountable in "safe" areas, such as prayer and Bible study. More serious issues will come out as you get to know each other.

Perhaps the guys you have selected are close friends already. Congratulations! You are among the one-in-ten men who has a close friend. Most of us do not. Not even Christian men. "Most men could recruit six pallbearers for their funeral, but hardly anyone has a friend he can call at 2 a.m." (Patrick Morley). Let us assume that you do not know each other very well - yet.

Even if you have been friends a long time, remember that accountability is not automatic or even natural. Vital relationship accountability comes almost exclusively from deliberate and intentional effort. You have to go after it in order to achieve it.

What follows is not the "right way," or the only way to develop vital relationships. It is a compilation of ideas from my own, as well as others' experiences with accountability. What works for some may not work for others. You must be open, flexible and patient. (Of course that eliminates most of us already!)

At this point, let me introduce the basics from Promise Keepers. It is useful in describing the relationship-building process. It is also helpful in understanding the development of small groups:

Obviously, the ultimate goal is Christlikeness. But there are no shortcuts to get there. You start out as acquaintances, develop a friendship, become brothers and, if all goes well, achieve Christlikeness. This can be a long, slow process, with pitfalls and setbacks along the way.

Before we go any further, let me restate the purpose and goal of accountability: To reach our full potential as men of God, and to grow toward Christlikeness. A better family life. Help with the issues of being a man in this world. Getting stronger in resisting temptation. Knowing that you do not have to face these struggles alone; that one or more men will stand beside you and support you, and encourage you, and pray for you. Striving together "to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." (Ephesians 4:23-24)

Acquaintances

First, you need to get to know each other. FORM the relationship. It sounds easy enough but, remember, we are talking about men here. "Football and the weather" will only take you so far. Here is a typical guy conversation that takes place thousands of times a day:

    Joe: "Hey, man! What's up?"
    Mike: "Not much. How you doin'?"
    Joe: "Pretty good. How 'bout those Chargers?"
    Mike: "Really!"
    Joe: "Hot enough for ya?"
    Mike: "Yeah! No kiddin'!"
    Joe: "Well, see ya later!"
    Mike: "Later, dude!"

    Joe and Mike both walk away satisfied, having had a "great conversation," 
    and some "male-bonding."

Men tend to be most comfortable when the conversation is light and we do not have to reveal anything "deep" about ourselves. And most men are much more task-oriented than relationship-oriented. We worry so much about getting from Point A to Point B, that we forget to enjoy the journey. Relationships often do not get the priority and attention they deserve.

So, the first step is to just spend some time together. Hang out. Have lunch. Talk on the phone. Whatever it takes to get to know each other. Do you enjoy each other's company? Do you have similar interests? Are you at similar stages of life? Are you at the same level of spiritual maturity? "But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend. . ." (Psalm 55:13) In a way, it resembles the dating process. (I realize some of you married men may not remember what that was like. Let me refresh your memory - IT AIN'T EASY!) Developing any relationship takes an investment of time and effort. Be patient. "But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." (Romans 8:25)

Friends

If you have made it through the "Acquaintances" stage, you are well on your way to friendship.This is where the STORM moves in. As in most relationships, inevitably conflicts will arise. After all, wouldn't it be boring if we all agreed on everything? Issues may surface as you get to know each other, and disagreements are part of the process. Some adjustments in expectations and styles may have to be made. This may involve a few "fair fights," which will help bring about a certain level of honesty and respect. However, if you are committed to the relationship, you will be able to work through these issues as they come up. "Keep on loving each other as brothers." (Hebrews 13:1) This will build the foundation and strengthen the bonds between you. Keep in mind that not everyone who gets to the "Acquaintances" stage makes it all the way through the process. It is always possible that you may not want to pursue the relationship further. It happens. But at least you have developed a friendship.

I would love to give you some guidelines about how long it should take to reach each stage, but the truth is I cannot. It depends on how well you know each other when you start, how often you meet, your personality types, and many other variables. Remember: Enjoy the journey! Do not expect the other guy(s) to be the same as you. Some of us open up easily, while many others, probably the majority of men, take a while to get comfortable enough to share anything personal. Do not get discouraged if you feel like you are not progressing quickly enough. It will most likely take a while to reach the point where you are comfortable revealing anything deeply personal to each other.

In the meantime, begin to put some accountably in place, either informally or formally. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." (Ephesians 5:21) Informally, you can follow up on things that were shared previously, such as: "I'm having a hard time dealing with this person at work." The next time, you could ask: "How's it going with that person at work?" Formally, you can develop a list of basic areas of accountability which you agree to discuss regularly. In the beginning, these should be safe, non-threatening areas which will not pose a risk to the men in the group. They must be agreed upon unilaterally. Perhaps you begin with one or two things to which you are accountable. As you progress, you can add to the list, and eventually increase the level of openness and transparency.

Suggestions for Initial Areas of Accountability:

One of the benefits of accountability is that often you will find that you are not the only one who struggles in a particular area. Then, knowing you are not alone, you can help and encourage each other. "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."(James 5:16)

An additional benefit of accountability is that you will have one or more men who are willing to listen as you talk about what is going on in your life. Without judgment. Without the fear of gossip. With love. With acceptance. With patience. And you will have the benefit of feedback and godly counsel from your brothers in Christ. "Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel." (Proverbs 27:9)